Day 1 goals

So, its 6:30 am on a Friday.  June 17th, 2016 .

My goal today is to compete my workout and try not to think too many angry negative thoughts at dinner tonight when meeting up with Jerry, bob, alvin, and this new friend of there's. 

My long term goals for the weekend is laugh and not focus on tonys needs but on my own.

I'll take it one hour at a time. 

(My fear is if I don't focus on tonys needs, he'll find someone else to take care of him.) ...my inner insecure thought while writing this.

My workout plan.

So, My workout plan is to become stronger and hopefully in the process, rebuild and reshape my body, but also gain some peace of mind.

Work Week


Monday- Isolation Exercises
Tuesday-Cardio / Rest
Wednesday-Heavy Lifting
Thursday-Isolation Exercises
Friday-Cardio / Rest
Saturday-Heavy Lifting
Sunday -Rest

If I'm doing a double shift, Then whatever day that fall onto, I will end up pushing the workout the next day. Or Try to do both the following Morning or Night.

I shouldn't spend more then 45 minutes to an Hour and a half at the gym, including sauna and shower time.

The Eating aspect of my getting healthy will be followed up after a few weeks.  For now i'm just cutting back on soda and certain carbs. or at least eating most of my carbs early in the day and sticking to protein at night.

Wish me luck.

My Self Building Journey.

So it's been a few months since my beginning post.

I've like to think that I've gotten better in dealing with my grief . The loss of my intimate relationship with Tony had lead me through a whirlwind of pain, anger, resentment, jealousy, desperation, greed, and a moon size amount of  self hatred and despair.

I'm not 100 percent better, but I can say honestly, that I'm better then I was.  I've made some tuff decisions and perhaps it's just a temporary balm to my grief, but, I've decided to give up on love , at least love involving another person.

I've never learned to love myself and be comfortable with myself. And I've always associated Sex with being loved, which is why I opened myself up to anyone who found me desirable.  Because I had such a low opinion of myself I never stood up for what I wanted and I followed whomever gave me attention.

Since I can't separate Love and Sex. I've decided to I need to step away from sex with another person. I kept thinking that would be easy since there's no one around whom finds me attractive. Then I began socializing online with two guys. One was Harold and the other was Steve. Steve I met through growlr, which we ended up meeting once and we had a nice conversation and he told me a bit about himself.

Steve, in his late 50's, out of work LPN, Recovering addict, amputated left leg right above the knee, submissives Bottom, into heavy kink, lives off of disability, takes care of his non-med compliant bi-polar nephew, with some guy sleeping on his couch.

Harold, in his late 40's, works as a cart retriever at BJ's, lives with his disabled sister and her 18 year old daughter,  He has a 6th grade education, he's mentally disabled .

I hooked up with both of them. steve let me take out my hunger on him. I bit him in so many places and he loved every minute of it. harold jerked me off and had a huge dick but he didn't come. Steve gave the best back massage. and wanted to be dominated.

I just wanted someone to hold me and make me feel all better, since at the time. Tony was getting close to this guy he met online named Derrick, who wanted tony to be his boyfriend. I was jealous, but then I had to admit to myself that I was jealous and that I wanted someone I could show off and show that I've moved on too. But I couldn't with these two guys. they served there purpose of pleasing me..even though I felt disgusted with myself.

Derrick called tony every night and talked and made tony laugh. I wanted that..I wanted tony back, but i knew I would never get him back, since he was truly no longer in love and attracted to me.
My personal desires started to eat away at me..and my jealousy keep me up at night. then i realized after tony told me how Derrick was acting and expecting tony to be his new boyfriend. I realized that I pitied him. He was longing for someone to love him, and I related to that. Still didn't want him anywhere near tony, but i knew I had to let tony handle this situation as well as any other situations now.

I'm letting go and starting to really focus on myself..which is why i'm back doing this.
I started working out. I quit smoking, and I'm trying to learn to truly live and love myself. I've become Celibate. I made a vow not to be with anyone again. To no longer open myself up to love or even entertain the idea of love.

I know it sounds stupid and it's going to end with me being more bitter and lonely, but I feel this is the right choice. I know I have the right to change my mind and I know my friends all hope I change my mind and not give up on love and sex with other people.

But I'm not happy and I'm tiered of settling for whatever is out there.  I'd honestly rather be alone then give myself over to a temporary lover . Someone whom i'm ashamed to even mention. I will admit to being Shallow and Vain in this instants.

I started working out and lifting weights. My goal is to get stronger for myself. I'm 35 and I feel like i'm in my 60s. I'm tiered of feel like a washed out old rag. Now that I don't have anyone to impress, it' takes the pressure off of me.

Tony said I let myself go, and I did. So i'm picking myself back up and getting myself to a better place physically and mentally.

So I'm throwing myself into my job and keeping busy with increased gaming and excersing.

These have become my new coping skills.

next blog...